So, after returning home this morning from dropping off both kids at school, I’ve decided to take it upon myself to write up a few friendly reminders as to how to navigate the swift murky river current also known as the car pool lane. The carpool lane should be treated like military maneuvers. Drop offs should be carried out precisely, quickly and efficiently along with a sense of community and patience. You can thank me later and I will accept gifts and cash…….
Middle School: For the f*&$%ing love of all that’s holding my sanity together. Do not have a conversation with your child while parked in the car pool lane as he or she is leaning in the passenger window. There is nothing, and I seriously mean nothing, that can be discussed that justifies the other cars behind you lingering in limbo in the intersection a mere twenty feet behind your vehicle.
Which brings me to my next helpful tip…..
I frankly see no reason to even stop the car at this point. I think we should all do a slow roll to the curb while they jump out of the vehicle. Extra points for teaching them how to do a drop and roll. Or that just might be me…..
If you hear the words “I forgot….let me see if I have….I need to check…or hold on one second” while parked in the front lane, you simply turn to your child and say “Too bad. So sad. Welcome to the real world. Get out of the car. Now.
When picking up your child, do not, and I really can’t say this strongly enough, DO NOT wait in the middle of the street thereby blocking all vehicles from moving back, forward, sideways or anyways while you wait for your special snowflake to come running out the front door of the school. This is not Outback Steakhouse. There is no curbside service. If you don’t see your child keep on a moving. Until cars can propel themselves in an upward fashion like a helicopter, I’m telling you right now, you are really pissing off the guy who lives in the neighborhood who simply wanted to drive to the store to get a loaf of bread and milk.
Elementary: Under no circumstance should you be getting out of the car. You are not to be removing back packs from the trunk of your car. Unless you are retrieving a wheel chair for your child or a suitcase full of cash to be donated to the school, the driver should be remained seated while child promptly exits the vehicle with said backpack in lap.
Once you pull up to the curb, out they go. The long goodbye should be done on the road while traveling to the school. This is not Sophie Choice, you are not dropping them off for college nor are they leaving on a three year mission trip to Tanzania. Good bye…Good Luck…and Good Riddance. You will see them in a quickly moving time warp of 6 hours.
Which brings me to the opposite point. Everyone is in hurry in the morning. Unless you are a doctor racing to the hospital to do a heart transplant or sew someone's leg back on, quit doing u turns in the intersection. Just quit it. Stop thinking you are going to outsmart everyone by pulling up alongside the drop off lane and not let anybody out of it. You’re not being efficient. You are being an ass. Ok….that’s it for now. I feel better already.