Although, had she demanded a few dollars thrown her way in order to post it, I would have gladly done so..... To all that know Jennifer, know how lucky I am to have her as a friend in my life. She has been an incredible friend throughout the years and a lifesaver throughout this ordeal. Thank you so much Jenny!
The other title to this post could have been "While You Were Sleeping." From Friday on, I have mostly either been sleeping in a bed, sleeping on a couch, laying on a couch watching tv, laying on a couch eating, or laying on a couch watching tv while eating. That's it. I have been watching so much tv that I am seriously considering doing a whole new blog just to make fun of all the shows I've been watching. I had no idea the drivel that existed once you wandered past the surface of popular tv dredge. There's a whole new world in the "300" channel area that I never even knew existed.....Bridezilla anyone?
Anyhow, for right now I'm going to have to put that on the back burner because I have a bunch of other things to do. One of which was wig shopping. Oh, yes.....she's sporting a wig! The whole going bald thing was much harder than I anticipated. I mean I knew it was going to be hard, but I didn't anticipate the level of emotions in which it would take. For the kids, it was a mixed reaction. Carlos basically ran behind the couch and demanded that I put my cap back on immediately. I was "too weird" for him. During the rest of the evening and the days ahead, he would come up to me during a conversation and tug my cap down on my forehead and ears never missing a beat of what he was saying. He just needed to make sure those bald spots were covered properly. Andres on the other hand, laughed until he couldn't laugh anymore. He said my head was getting "smalder and smalder." Occasionally, he will ask me to take my cap off just so he could laugh. I love when he does that. My husband, of course, says "you're still beautiful." I married him not only for his body, but his keen ability to assess a given situation and say the right thing. Smart guy.
And me? I think I look like Fat Albert's friend Dumb Donald in my beautiful crocheted caps. As my best friend Annette so sagely put......"Eh, it's not your best look." (I love that woman.) Everytime I looked in the mirror, I startled myself. "Who are you?! And just what have you done with my former head?!?" My head itched. It felt like velcro. And, I realized, that my head is disproportionately smaller than my body. I tried to wear a blond wig that a friend had given me under a crocheted cap. I looked like Jeff Spicholi from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Not the look I was going for. At that point, I knew wig shopping was in my future as soon as I could crawl off the couch. However, while I was on the couch, I finally figured out what was bothering me so much about the loss of my hair. While I realized that appearance factored into the equation, it wasn't just about looks. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it was something more. Something bigger than hair.
Then I finally figured it out........ I looked sick. I looked like someone with cancer. My bald head stared back at me in the mirror smugly and said "you have cancer." It was at that moment I realized it wasn't my hair that I was mourning but the veil of anonymity it provided that I lost. I would no longer be at Target as Karin - the slapped together, bad hair day, should have taken a shower, mom buying toilet paper and dish detergent. I would be Karin - the cancer patient. I was no longer Karin - yeah, I have cancer; but you couldn't tell from looking at me. And, frankly I feel just fine, thank you very much. I'm doing great! I was now Karin - Stage III breast cancer. I struggled with all the complexities of what that really meant. I knew I wasn't the cancer.....that I am a person fighting cancer. Yet, every time I walked past a mirror, or felt the bristle of my hair against my cap, I was reminded once again that I have "it".
I allowed myself to grieve, once again, as I had earlier in this whole process, the loss of normal and my confrontation with mortality. I had sent mortality packing quite a few months ago. She and I had a huge fight. There were tears, angry accusations and an unpaid cell phone bill.... but, I finally told her to just leave. Plus, she didn't watch Real Housewives of Orange County and I was like, get outta here......But, sure enough she snuck in through the cat door, plopped herself in my bathroom mirror and laughed at me for thinking I had control of my life...even if I finally figured out where to store the black & white polka dot paper. So, this time, we set aside our differences civilly and courteously and decided to work together on this on. We went wig shopping. And that was all I needed to embrace my inner and outer baldness. With a cute little brimmed hat on top of my small head, I went shopping for a wig, browsing at Borders and lunching with my mom and Annette. Although mortality came along for the ride, we made her sit at a different table. I know she's always there. I just don't want to her to get any ideas.......
Coming up next....Wig shopping fun....
